Doesn’t Starmer realise smoking outside pubs is the best thing about Britain? (2024)

Look, you don’t have to tell me that smoking is bad. I grew up watching after-school specials in the nineties and early-2000s. I’ve seen the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles look on disapprovingly as little Johnny accepts his first cigarette. I know that smoking isn’t cool – it just makes you a fool.

But sometimes those well-meaning PSAs and their clumsy raps don’t work as well as intended, and you find that you’re in your mid-thirties, and you’re stressed out, and the only way you can unwind is to sneak outside every now and then for a cheeky smoke. I’m sorry, Michelangelo. I let you down.

It feels like the walls are really closing in on smokers – just a few months ago Rishi Sunak proposed banning cigarettes for everybody born after 1 January 2009, which would have effectively made the practice completely illegal somewhere down the line.

While the proposal didn’t end up going anywhere, it seems his successor has similar ambitions, as leaked government documents revealed that Keir Starmer reportedly plans to ban smoking in pub gardens, outdoor restaurants, outside hospitals and near football stadiums.

Outdoor restaurants, I understand. Even if you’re a smoker, there’s nothing worse than getting a waft of tobacco when you’re trying to enjoy food you overpaid for on one of the few days of the year the weather is good enough to eat outdoors.

Football stadiums also make some amount of sense – they tend to be crowded and chaotic – and they aren’t exactly the kinds of places you want people loitering about. There’s probably also a downside to smoking near hospitals – I can’t say for sure, I’m not a doctor.

But banning smoking in pub gardens is like banning prayer in church. That’s what they’re there for (well, that and fights, but I’m not so keen on the fights). If we start banning smoking in one of the few remaining social places purpose-built for smoking, then where does it end?

Now, I’m not one of these guys who cries “nanny state” every time a politician does their job. I think having rules and regulations is broadly a good thing, as people in general cannot be trusted. If left to our own devices we’d probably do something crazy, like try to blow up the moon or leave the European Union.

But even I have to draw the line somewhere, and that somewhere is apparently outside a Wetherspoons at 1am, while I’m having the best conversation of my life with a total stranger after about six Blue Moons. Sure, we probably won’t remember each other’s names in the morning, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that they’ve got some pretty out-there political opinions, but you can’t take this moment from us.

Honestly, the best part of going to the pub is abandoning your friends at some point, going into the beer garden and chatting up some random person. You don’t even have to be a smoker to do it – a beer garden is a sacred place, where anybody can choose to give in to the delights of nicotine for just a few minutes, before returning to their old lives as civilians. Sure, Janet, I bet you “never do this”. Don’t worry, this is a judgement-free space.

Or at least it was, until Labour barged in with their “rules” and their “public health initiatives”. What’s the point in being healthy if we aren’t going to be allowed to live? And sure, smoking is responsible for a whole host of life-threatening illnesses, which are stretching an already overburdened NHS to their breaking point, and by making it less socially acceptable we’ll likely save both lives and money in a country that has lost far too many of both over the past few years. But I really, really like smoking!

Whatever. Have your so-called “healthy” British public, with their extended lifespans and their ability to walk up the stairs without gasping for air. But don’t come crying to me the next time you want to hear some randomer tell you their unsolicited opinions about vaccines in a freezing smoking area at half eleven on a work night.

Oh well, as far as social lubricants go, at least we’ll still have alcohol… let’s just hope they don’t decide to ban that too.